Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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