You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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