there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
