Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Did I show you my penis last night?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
