Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
