How's work?
Spinning.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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