the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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