So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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