We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
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