I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
