every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Never joke about your clitoris.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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