I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
