mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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