Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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