I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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