i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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