Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
