for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
