By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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