The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
