Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
