Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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