I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
