i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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