the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
