so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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