guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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