Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
