im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize