She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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