He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize