I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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