so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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