He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
