they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
whose parrot is this?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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