I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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