No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
