vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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