why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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