Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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