Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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