So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
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SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
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This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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