Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
