just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
