im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Randomize