I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
