I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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