Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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