I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
