and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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