I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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