I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
