i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
she peed on how many people?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
