Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
