oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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